Baby it's cold outside

We had the first snowfall of the season today. I love snow. It's so peaceful and clean. I hope we get much more this winter, I can't wait to go snow-shoeing.

I love the picture of the kitty above; it was taken the night before we had to put her to sleep. It's been just over a year since we had to say goodbye and I still miss her. She was the best cat ever. I know this is true because people who hate cats used to love her. Plus, we've gotten 3 kitties since she left us, and none of them hold a candle to her. They are all wonderful! But they are not her. Thinking about her still brings a tear to my eye. There has been a lot of loss in the past two years. A lot of loss.

So, still not pregnant. It was so easy when we started trying and got pregnant the first time - and lost it at 6 weeks. Now it's been since May 1 that I had my last miscarriage, and I'm getting all uptight about getting older and being unable to conceive. I can't afford infertility treatment - it's not covered under my insurance. I can't afford to adopt. I'm sure there is some life lesson that I'm supposed to learn from this, but I'm having a hard time being open to the lesson. I hope that I can learn to accept my fate gracefully.

Melancholy Be GONE!!!!

I see London, I see France

Why is everyone on Survivor wearing their underwear? Haven't they ever seen the show before?

I sometimes feel like I'm on Survivor. My husband and I have tried to stick to a budget and have vowed not to eat out for a month. It's been less than 2 weeks and it's driving me crazy. We have to save to put in new windows - when we bought this house we really didn't think about how old it was and how many of the windows were original to 1913. There are 16 that are single pane and need to be replaced, along with an old glass door in the basement! Several of them are over-sized and will need to be custom; it's going to cost a gazillion dollars.

We are about 40% of the way through stripping the lead paint from the porch posts on the front and back porches. It is taking longer than we thought because there are so many layers of paint. Once that is done, we'll have to paint them and the porch floor again. This house is a money pit! when we finally get everything fixed, it will be great, but for now it looks so ghetto with the half-stripped porch.

I've realized that I'm a much better writer when I'm not writing about myself! Writing a blog is much more work than I anticipated. I think it was easier writing research papers for grad school...

The baby shower

My main reason for creating this blog is my need discuss the loss, anger, envy, despair and resentment that are the result of experiencing three miscarriages in the past 18 months or so. Now don't get me wrong, I am not negative all the time. Hardly. I kept my sense of humor even in the ER while being prepped for a D&C. However, on Saturdays when my husband is working and everyone and their children are out and about, I get antsy and start thinking about why the perfect life of a house with a dog and kids isn't happening for us. Luckily, my husband only works on Saturdays once every 4 or 5 weeks.

Plus, today I had to go shopping for a baby shower gift with a friend. I've never been to Babies R US prior to today. It was hard for me to be in the store. I'm not going to the shower. I got my gift the other day and my friend is taking it for me. I am still not able to go to baby showers. I find it hard to be happy for a lot of people having babies these days. For some reason (I'm sure it's part of the grieving process) I feel that most mothers don't deserve it. My best friend got pregnant a week after I did with my second child. She didn't even want to get pregnant. Her condo isn't big enough for a child. Her husband doesn't have a job (a subject for another day!). Her baby is 6 months old. Mine died 10 weeks into my pregnancy. My husband has a job, my house is large, and I want a child. I deserve it, she doesn't! And I'm sick of hearing of celebrity pregnancies! Nicole Richie the anorexic drug addict is not supposed to have kids! Where is the sense of justice? What is wrong with my body? I don't do drugs, I drink rarely, and I have a healthy body! How can a woman who lives on take-out food and coffee (Britney Spears) have children? I don't eat processed food and almost never have coffee or fast-food. It's so obnoxious. And so petty of me. I hope that one day I can get over it. I'm certainly no better than any of these people, but it feels like it sometimes. I never felt this way prior to my second miscarriage.

With my first miscarriage at 6 weeks, I thought it was a fluke. It was horrible and painful and disappointing, but not life altering. However, the second miscarriage was even more painful, seemed to indicate some sort of problem with ME, and filled me with grief. My third miscarriage at 6 weeks just pissed me off. Then I (and my husband) went in for blood testing. I also went for a vaginal ultrasound to make sure my ovaries looked okay and had fluid inserted in my uterus to look for abnormalities. No problems. Then the doctor told me the next step would be to take some anti-blood clotting drug as soon as I got pregnant the next time. Perhaps (but not for sure) my body was clotting and restricting blood/oxygen supply to the foetus. Why the hell didn't they put my on that after the first miscarriage? I may have lost two children because no one bothered to inform me of my options. How unfair.

Now I'm 4 weeks late for my period, am not pregnant and feel like time is flying by and I'll be too old to have kids soon. I'm 36 after all, and I need to get pregnant now! Sex has become about getting pregnant. I feel bad for my hubby. I tried for a while to not worry about getting pregnant, but that lasted one cycle! I feel like I'm baby crazy in a bad way.

But I only feel that way sometimes. Mostly I'm grateful for my husband and my crazy life. Not mostly, ALWAYS grateful. Just occasional outbursts of self-pity.