Back at work!

Last week was my first week back from maternity leave. Had a total breakdown on Tuesday when heard baby crying in background while talking to hubby on the phone. SIgh. Am fine now. She's alive and no worse for wear.

For the past several weeks, right after my last post, she has been sleeping until 4/4:30 in the morning. It's as if she wanted me to return to work well rested. We've also eliminated the nightly battle to put her down - her wanting to sleep on her side but being over tired and flipping back and forth between back and side and not falling asleep. We've started to put her to bed earlier! Works like a charm. We were fighting to keep her awake each night until 8pm and it was hard work. Now, we give her the bottle at 7:15/7:30 and she falls right to sleep and still sleeps until 4/4:30. I guess I was thinking that going to bed later would keep her sleeping longer. What a crock of poop. Hubby and I have some alone time too, now that she's asleep peacefully, not waking up every 15 minutes.

Of course, my stupid interal clock still thinks she's waking up at 2, so I wake up at 2, can't fall back to sleep, give her a bottle 4-4:30ish and finally (maybe!) fall back to sleep some time after 5 am. Seriously!

Hubby works Xmas at the firehouse. No biggie. We'll celebrate Xmas eve w/my brother & then his family is coming on Sat or Sun. Not sure which yet.

Baby rolled over from tummy to back 2x last week! Holds head up great, tries to crawl and gets frustrated. Has moved on to 3-6 mos clothes. She is so long, approx 24.5 inches.

Next battle is trying to get her to nap in her crib. Currently takes them in the swing. She can nap in her crib, but gets so excited to see her mobile and the quilt that Nana made that hangs on the wall above her crib, that if she wakes up (when you put her in asleep), she takes forever to fall back to sleep because she's so excited to see everything. Or if we put her in drowsy, she gets excited, takes forever to fall asleep, wakes up 30 minutes later, gets excited...you see the trend. She gets barely any sleep in there. Not sure what to do about it.

Thankful!

Well, we had Thanksgiving here yesterday with hubby's family & my brother. It went well! Baby slept through dinner which was great- I was so worried all morning that she wasn't going to sleep and what not. Well she did great and didn't fuss all day until we tried to keep her awake until 8pm. When she gets her bottle at 8 or later, she sleeps until 2 or so. That I can handle because she doesn't get up again until 7 or so. Sometimes she doesn't like that plan! Work in progress...

So every single adult that has come to visit since her birth has commented on her swing. It's a great swing- Fisher Price My Little Lamb. Everyone wants one in an adult size. Maybe that's my key to financial riches- creating an adult swing that is as comfy as hers looks!

So I have given in and we have ordered a recliner. The ONLY reason we are getting it is because it is a glider and it is cream colored leather, has clean lines, is not over-stuffed/ridiculous, and matches her room. The fact that it reclines is a bonus, i guess. It's going in her room. After this whole vaccination-screaming-fit- nightmare-5 days, we need a more comfortable chair. The old wooden rocker from my childhood is not cutting it! Hubby is trying to convince me to get one for the tv room. I think that recliners are the downfall of civilized life. Really, cup holders and food storage areas in a chair? How lazy can you be??!! They gross me out. It would be nice to have a glider downstairs though..so I'm thinking about it. JUST THINKING!

That wasn't fun

We took Sophie to her 2 month well baby visit and she got her first set of shots. What a horrible spectacle to watch! I had tears in my eyes as she was crying - that horrible cry where she is so upset that nothing comes out but you can see her mouth wide open and eyes shut, face all red and tears. Then the explosive cry. Poor little girl. She had a rough evening too. Hubby is taking her to the Dr visits in the future. I can't watch that again!

She's 10 lbs 9.5 oz and 23.5 inches long. Beautiful, heathy girl.

Back on track & then some

Sweet baby is not only back to one night feeding, for the last two nights she's been going 6-7 hours between! Holy moly! Of course, I'm still waking up after 5-6 hours and can't fall back to sleep. And the cats have been crazy at night lately. I have no idea how she sleeps through it all. I am tempted to put a camera down stairs to catch what it is they are doing. We can hear them racing around, jumping onto and off of things, and in the morning we find cat hair and toys (baby & cat!) all over the place.

The cats are much happier now that sweet baby is sleeping in her own room. The cats hated being shut out of our room for 4 1/2 weeks. Ralphie is still afraid of her, but he is checking her out more often - even though he runs away whenever she moves. Buddy watches over her like she is hers - lets me know if she thinks the baby is upset. Biggy sometimes cares, sometimes doesn't. What's weird is I can' tell if sweet baby even knows they exist. She doesn't get bothered by their cries or kisses. I can't wait until she can sit up in the next few weeks and can see what's going on. I'm think I'm going to get her one of those foam seats- bumbo or something like that. I forget the name. She is holding her head up pretty well now. She gets stronger every day.

Hubby is working his 24 at the fire station today and it is much more mellow at home. I've noticed this the past couple of shifts that he's worked. The baby, cats and I just kind of hang out. I think all of hte running around we do when he is here gets everyone worked up. Not a bad thing. We are all just so happy and relieved that things are going well. I am almost ready to start working on #2!

Oh, and we got ourselves an early Xmas present yesterday - finally got a Keurig - premium! It even makes perfect iced tea- my fave.I love it. Been drinking a lot more coffee than normal now that I am home.

She's been here for 6 weeks! Ooops

I am the worst blogger. I got so caught up in being pregnant that I didn't blog about it.

Well Sophie Grace arrived on 9/21/09 weighing 8 lbs 3oz. She is a beautiful little girl! Well, at 8 lbs, she was not so litte. We haven't been back to the dr since week 2 and she is now 6 1/2 weeks- I think she weighs over 10 lbs, the scale said 11 something. But my scale is always wrong. Anyway, she is perfect. Even now that she's lost half of her hair, has baby acne & a blocked tear duct that leaves her eye all watery & crusty. ha! I think the tear duct problem is on the outs, been doing some massage. And the acne is lessening.

The first 2-3 weeks were tough, but now I love being home with her. She doesn't have colic, has a great temperment, and seems to have overcome her problem w/passing gas! It doesn't hurt her anymore! Yeah! My life revolves around eating and pooping. And cute outfits.

Hubby screwed up the feeding schedule the past two days and I am a wreak about it because I'm the one that hears her and gets up to feed her in the middle of the night. I had gotten her to eat at 12:30 and then sleep until 6 or 7 in the morning. Now I'll have to get up at 4 again tonight. I just have to keep saying to myself- this is only a moment...it's not forever.

Anyway, I still love him. Barely.

It's a Girl!

So we had the U/S last week and it's a girl. Her name is Sophie Grace. I think middle name is Grace, not sure yet. Hubby likes it, so probably keep it. We wanted a boy so he could be a firefighter like his dad, but now I'm really excited about having a girl. Really, who am I to be picky? I am very grateful to be having a child at all!

On a completely unrelated note, right now on VH1C (classic) it's playing the top 100 1-hit wonders of the 80's. Holy moly taking me back in time!!! I lived it, ha ha ha.

Happy Easter

Well, I am not a very good blogger it seems! I never remember to update. But there is good news, I am STILL pregnant! Everything is on track for a normal pregnancy, all tests are coming back normal, and I've seen the baby 2x on u/s and heard the hb 2x and go back to the dr tomorrow for my normal monthly check-up. How cute is the u/s from 12.5 weeks! The baby looks like it's in a hammock with it's feet up and hands behind it head, relaxing, maybe waiting for a beer. LOL. Looks like my DH. ha ha ha

I'm hoping that I'll be able to have my 20 wk u/s a little early, on April 30th. Mom & Dad will be in town on her way from FL to VT for the summer and I would like her to be able to see the u/s with DH and me. Plus it will be DH birthday, so that would be a nice present. Hoping for a boy but will be very happy with a girl as well!

Hardest thing for me is that while I haven't really gained too much weight- 7 or 8 lbs at 16 1/2 weeks, it all seems to be in my belly and boobs. Plus, I'm too small for maternity and too big for my normal clothes. It's very frustrating. My DH and I refer to it as my FUBA, Fat Upper Baby Area!

I didn't have that bad of a 1st trimester, only a few weeks of feeling like crap, and have been feeling great since mid March. I have so much energy compared to Jan/Feb. Tons of work to do to get the house "baby ready". We've ordered the remaining new windows we need, are in the process today of finishing the stripping of the wallpaper in one of the bathrooms (a project I started in the middle of a shower Friday night - decided to pull down the paper I could reach!) We also removed the ugly shower doors and replaced with a shower rod and nice new curtain. We'll be putting in a new light over the sink and painting on Tuesday/Wednesday. It feels like a normal bathroom now w/o those ugly shower doors. We should have taken those down when we moved in!

Next we need to sand and poly the wood floors on the first floor, install carpet in the 2 guest rooms (1 will be baby room) and rip down the walls and ceiling in the dining room and 1/2 bath on the first floor and replace w/sheet rock. The bathroom has crumbling plaster and the DR has painted paneling! Gross. We've put it off for 3 years, the baby has got us motivated, finally. Also need to finish removing the lead paint off the back porch. Next year we work on the outside - we need the driveway ripped out and re-done, a fence in the back yard and a granite curb installed out front, as well as some trees planted. Then maybe the next year we can sell it and move to the suburbs. I love this house, but I hate the city I live in, it's such a dump. Growing up in the Burlington, Vt area, I am spoiled and have high expectations. Craptacular City, NH meets none of my expectations, except there are a couple of nice parks, one only 3 blocks away. I wouldn't go alone though, LOL.

Anyway, I hope that anyone out there that has had multiple m/c doesn't give up. I just kept trying and trying, the odds were in my favor. Even after 5 I didn't stop trying. While it was very frustrating and heartbreaking to experience each loss, I didn't let my disappointment take over my life. My marriage is still fantastic and we have been given a great gift (hopefully it will be a full term baby!) I also attribute this success to taking a baby aspirin every morning since the day I found out I was preggo. I wish my dr had suggested it 4 m/c earlier, but I cannot change the past. Best of luck to all of you this Easter morning.

Pregnant again

Well, I am pregnant again, due 9/23. I feel different than my past pregnancies - i have a lot of nausea and am always thirsty. Very tenders bbs & I am so bloated! My pants are already tight and I'm only 6 1/2 weeks. Sheesh. I am not complaining though, at least I am still pregnant. I have an appt on 2/12 w/ ultrasound, so hopefully things will be great!

I hate Comcast

I hate Comcast for several reasons, the biggest of which is the piss poor customer service. I called a couple of weeks ago to get rates on basic service because I had the all in one plan w/phone, internet & cable. We rarely use the phone or internet. No matter how well you follow the prompts on the damn 800#, you never get the right department (and I have a master's degree, i'm not stupid, i can follow a menu prompt), and the people who answer the phone are rude. For $150 a month, I want better service than that. If any of the people that I had talked to there had been even remotely decent in their attitude and tone of voice, I would have kept Comcast. I used to work in customer service at Verizon. I know good service, and Comcast doesn't have it.

I called today to cancel my service, and even though their website says customer service is available 24X7, only sales & service is open. If you want to cancel, you have to call during the day. When I'm working and have better things to do than go through phone hell trying to get something done at Comcast. Ugh. And, of course the first person I get is rude and the second gets the rath of my anger.

Anyway, I'm back to Verizon for my phone & internet and just completed my request for DirectTV.

Hello Comcast - You lost a customer for no better reason than your people are rude.

After Great Pain, A Formal Feeling Comes

Well, it's been a while. I forget to write about my life while I'm living it!

I had my 5th, yes 5th, miscarriage on August 30th. Maybe I'm not supposed to be a mom. Maybe I'm supposed to be a weird cat lady or something. I feel numb. When will it be my turn? When will it be my time? I think I'm supposed to learn something life changing from this experience. However, all I have learned is that my friends are quite thoughtless, my mother is a jerk sometimes(I didn't even tell her about this one), I'm angry at the unfairness of life, I hate to see pregnant women, the thought of baby showers makes me irrate (why are people inviting me anyway?), none of the people I know are even trying to get pregnant - but 5 of them in the past year have gotten knocked up by mistake and had perfect babies - this is the biggest afront to my sensibilities of them all) and basically I'm a bitter person.

It is what it is. I am not going to let it get me down. Monday is the first day of Fall - my favorite season!! I am booked just about every weekend until the end of the year with fun things and plans. Next weekend I'll have a full house with my inlaws and my god child visiting from college! We're making headway on the house. New windows, freshly painted porch, little things inside the house getting fixed. Lots of BIG projects still to come and are completely overwhelming, but things are going well and small steps are great for me.

Looking to the positive

I am sad to report that the twins have passed. Unfortunately, they shared the same amniotic sac within the same placenta. At some point at the beginning of last week they got in each other's way and blood flow through the chord was compromised.

This was my fourth miscarriage. I now have five angels looking over me. However, I am not as devistated as in the past. This would have been such a high risk pregnancy, that it was better to have it happen sooner than later. This way neither baby suffered. I would have had to been placed under the care of a hospital in Boston and they would have been born very early, if they survived long enough.

I am STILL hopeful for a successful pregnancy in the future. However, I am going to take a few months off from trying. We conceived so quickly on the clomid, that we aren't worried about about getting pregnant again, just sustaining. The only worry I have is that I am getting older and don't want to be 45 and pregnant. *I know, I'm only 37!*

Babies Babies Babies

I had an ultrasound at 8 weeks due to my history of pregnancy loss. Much to my surprise, we're having identical twins! They say it is not an inherited trait, but my maternal grandmother was an identical twin. Regardless, we are happy! I saw both of their heartbeats, healthy and strong. I am very hopefull that this time around life will be kind.

I am also experiencing extreme tiredness, thirst, hot flashes, aversion to smells, changing bbs, and some nausea. In past pregnancies, I only had tiredness and sore bbs in the beginning. I am not complaining about any of it because it means I am still pregnant! I go for another U/S on the 16th to confirm a membrane between the two babies.

My mother was a pill, once again, when I told her the news. She told me not to "do anything" , implying that I would cause a loss. When I had my first miscarriage, she asked " what did you do?" and with the second, "what did you do this time?" I didn't tell her about the third until months later, to avoid the verbal assault. My mother is cruel with words. No matter how many times I tell her that her words are thoughtless and hurtfull, she continues. I knew I shouldn't have called her. I thought she would be excited. However, I will not allow her to ruin my joy!

Hubby is excited, friends are excited, I am excited! Can't wait to see them again on the U/S!

The bun is in the oven!

Great news this morning- I am pregnant! Yeah :)

Only needed one cycle of Clomid - I feel lucky.

I have started taking progesterone (prometrium) today and this will hopefully prevent another miscarriage (3 is enough for me or anyone).

I am trying not to get too excited, with my history of bad news. However, this time I feel that with the help of the hormone, I have a chance. Due date is Nov 13.

DH is happy, but like myself, not allowing to get too excited.

On a different note, we've received110 inches of snow this winter, and more projected for this weekend! I love snow, but enough is enough. This city has no place to put it and it feels like we're trapped behind mountainous walls of snow. Leaving soon for points south. Can't wait.

Some kind of crazy

Pats are in the Super Bowl. Yippee Skippy! Spent game at BF house w/ her crazy loud (jobless)hubby and cute baby. I'm helping stage their house for sale. Already looks 100X better.

I've evolved it seems. Being with baby doesn't make me crazy jealous.

Clomid starts next month, excited at possibilities. Actually think fertile today, but hubby is working 48 straight at the FD, so missing my window. Not freaking out about it like I used to. Doc made me feel less desperate for time. Seems I have mild PCOS. Even better, should be covered by insurance, which I didn't think any of this would be.

Other crazy - ex sister in law sent me pics of her miscarried baby. Creepy beyond words. Why would anyone think other people want to see their partially developed baby posed with props like a doll house teddy bear? I understand how traumatic it is to lose a chile, but seems over the line!

Happy New Year!

January 2008 and still not pregnant. This is OK. I am happy, healthy, and have a great life! The holidays were fun and it was good to see family and friends. We've had a generous amount of snow this past month. I love it! Of course, it's been 60 degrees the past two days, which is great too. Now the snowbanks have melted enough that we can at least see to back out of the driveway without putting our life in our hands. Thirty minutes after taking the picture above, I booked tickets to Florida in March. ha ha. I love it, but the great wall of snow was beginning to form between our house and our neighbor.

I went to my primary care physician last night. I mentioned that my period is now every 6-8 weeks, sometimes longer. She advised that I am probably not ovulating. She suggested I go back to my ObGyn to discuss possibly using Clomid.

Since my last miscarriage in May, I have been wondering why I can't read my body anymore! I couldn't figure when I was fertile and was making Matt have sex with me on all of these random days during the month. When I got pg the last three times, I could tell when I was fertile by the cm. All three times I immediately got pg. I haven't had the cm and figured I was being crazy and over-analyzing. It is nice to know that I was not crazy and my body is just screwing me over, once again.

So, I have an appointment next week. I hope that Clomid works for me. I'll be 37 on February 3. Yes, the same day as the SuperBowl. If the Pats make it to the SuperBowl, I'll be amazed if anyone remembers my bday, including my husband! Anyway, I'm getting too old to sit around and wait for something to happen.

I'm curious how Clomid has worked for other women. If anyone has had positive or negative experiences with it, I would like to know!

happy new year!

Baby it's cold outside

We had the first snowfall of the season today. I love snow. It's so peaceful and clean. I hope we get much more this winter, I can't wait to go snow-shoeing.

I love the picture of the kitty above; it was taken the night before we had to put her to sleep. It's been just over a year since we had to say goodbye and I still miss her. She was the best cat ever. I know this is true because people who hate cats used to love her. Plus, we've gotten 3 kitties since she left us, and none of them hold a candle to her. They are all wonderful! But they are not her. Thinking about her still brings a tear to my eye. There has been a lot of loss in the past two years. A lot of loss.

So, still not pregnant. It was so easy when we started trying and got pregnant the first time - and lost it at 6 weeks. Now it's been since May 1 that I had my last miscarriage, and I'm getting all uptight about getting older and being unable to conceive. I can't afford infertility treatment - it's not covered under my insurance. I can't afford to adopt. I'm sure there is some life lesson that I'm supposed to learn from this, but I'm having a hard time being open to the lesson. I hope that I can learn to accept my fate gracefully.

Melancholy Be GONE!!!!

I see London, I see France

Why is everyone on Survivor wearing their underwear? Haven't they ever seen the show before?

I sometimes feel like I'm on Survivor. My husband and I have tried to stick to a budget and have vowed not to eat out for a month. It's been less than 2 weeks and it's driving me crazy. We have to save to put in new windows - when we bought this house we really didn't think about how old it was and how many of the windows were original to 1913. There are 16 that are single pane and need to be replaced, along with an old glass door in the basement! Several of them are over-sized and will need to be custom; it's going to cost a gazillion dollars.

We are about 40% of the way through stripping the lead paint from the porch posts on the front and back porches. It is taking longer than we thought because there are so many layers of paint. Once that is done, we'll have to paint them and the porch floor again. This house is a money pit! when we finally get everything fixed, it will be great, but for now it looks so ghetto with the half-stripped porch.

I've realized that I'm a much better writer when I'm not writing about myself! Writing a blog is much more work than I anticipated. I think it was easier writing research papers for grad school...

The baby shower

My main reason for creating this blog is my need discuss the loss, anger, envy, despair and resentment that are the result of experiencing three miscarriages in the past 18 months or so. Now don't get me wrong, I am not negative all the time. Hardly. I kept my sense of humor even in the ER while being prepped for a D&C. However, on Saturdays when my husband is working and everyone and their children are out and about, I get antsy and start thinking about why the perfect life of a house with a dog and kids isn't happening for us. Luckily, my husband only works on Saturdays once every 4 or 5 weeks.

Plus, today I had to go shopping for a baby shower gift with a friend. I've never been to Babies R US prior to today. It was hard for me to be in the store. I'm not going to the shower. I got my gift the other day and my friend is taking it for me. I am still not able to go to baby showers. I find it hard to be happy for a lot of people having babies these days. For some reason (I'm sure it's part of the grieving process) I feel that most mothers don't deserve it. My best friend got pregnant a week after I did with my second child. She didn't even want to get pregnant. Her condo isn't big enough for a child. Her husband doesn't have a job (a subject for another day!). Her baby is 6 months old. Mine died 10 weeks into my pregnancy. My husband has a job, my house is large, and I want a child. I deserve it, she doesn't! And I'm sick of hearing of celebrity pregnancies! Nicole Richie the anorexic drug addict is not supposed to have kids! Where is the sense of justice? What is wrong with my body? I don't do drugs, I drink rarely, and I have a healthy body! How can a woman who lives on take-out food and coffee (Britney Spears) have children? I don't eat processed food and almost never have coffee or fast-food. It's so obnoxious. And so petty of me. I hope that one day I can get over it. I'm certainly no better than any of these people, but it feels like it sometimes. I never felt this way prior to my second miscarriage.

With my first miscarriage at 6 weeks, I thought it was a fluke. It was horrible and painful and disappointing, but not life altering. However, the second miscarriage was even more painful, seemed to indicate some sort of problem with ME, and filled me with grief. My third miscarriage at 6 weeks just pissed me off. Then I (and my husband) went in for blood testing. I also went for a vaginal ultrasound to make sure my ovaries looked okay and had fluid inserted in my uterus to look for abnormalities. No problems. Then the doctor told me the next step would be to take some anti-blood clotting drug as soon as I got pregnant the next time. Perhaps (but not for sure) my body was clotting and restricting blood/oxygen supply to the foetus. Why the hell didn't they put my on that after the first miscarriage? I may have lost two children because no one bothered to inform me of my options. How unfair.

Now I'm 4 weeks late for my period, am not pregnant and feel like time is flying by and I'll be too old to have kids soon. I'm 36 after all, and I need to get pregnant now! Sex has become about getting pregnant. I feel bad for my hubby. I tried for a while to not worry about getting pregnant, but that lasted one cycle! I feel like I'm baby crazy in a bad way.

But I only feel that way sometimes. Mostly I'm grateful for my husband and my crazy life. Not mostly, ALWAYS grateful. Just occasional outbursts of self-pity.